This blog describes my journey exploring storytelling - words, images and the sensations they generate. The lot, basically.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Academic Suicide

Dear team,

When I found out about my wife's infidelity, I suppose I should have quit the course there and then. I thought somehow, I could manage to pull through, despite my life crashing down all around me. To be honest, I managed to pull through on my bachelor degree under similar circumstances and achieved a miraculous 2.1 degree. This time I was alone with 2 small children on top of whatever stress, heartache and confusion the rest of the situation brought. But I didn't want to quit, if only one thing in my life could remain sane and intact, this was my hope.

I know I am a laughing stock. I know I am an embarrassment. The guy who needs to be tip-toed around or "dealt with". What faith do you have in my ability and me?
As Rob put it "too little, too late. I don't trust you to get the work done."
Well, I suspect the majority of you have no idea what I have and am going through over the past few months. But statistics say that if you find yourselves in longer relationships, even marriage, you got a good shot at going through it yourselves, and when that happens, I hope for your sakes that you are not in a crunch, because then you might just also loose your job, like I have now.

Do you think I like to be like this? Do you think this is all I am capable of? Do you think this is all I want to achieve or do? I hate being like this. I hate not being able to run ahead of the project; not being able to pull my weight. Regardless of deadlines and assignment specifications, I have my own set of ambitions and criteria to answer to, to myself. I cringe every time I end up short on a deadline or a promise. I am so embarrassed when I look at most of the stuff I have "produced" for this module. Looking back from momentary glimpses of clarity, all I can claim is insanity or an aneurysm. I feel like a Tour de France rider can't even manage to ride a tricycle anymore. All you can do is put a brave face on it, while you hope and desperately pray that some miracle will help you back to the level of productivity where you should be. And then another promise is broken; another deadline is missed; another piece of crap is handed in. I know this team cares little for reasons, excuses and apologies. The depression, stress, betrayal and humiliation of having your wife cheat on you repeatedly are not going to tidy up the models. Just because the police are trampling through my life, that will not finish that texture set. Tending to my children's welfare as a lone parent, will not layout the UVWs. Keyframes, pixels and polygons are what matters at the end of the day.

You can mock me, tell me off or ignore me, but it is not going to change anything really. I have fought to the best of my heavily reduced ability, instead of just curling up and dying. And if you pull the plug on me now, which you say you already have, that will effectively be my exit from this course, since this is a team based module. I suppose I should have just quit when I found about my wife, but I hoped, that at least one thing in my life, she couldn't ruin. I guess there was never more than a fool's hope anyway.

I know the content freeze is tomorrow. I am sure you must be in full swing on my parts already. My work hard drive busting with the practically finished mill on it didn't help much. But if you care to use it, I have finished the barn. I am sure there are no doubt a million things that need to be corrected, but I am fairly pleased with it, and I honestly believe it will suit the rest of the level to an acceptable degree. The files are too big to include in this mail, but here are a few renders to show what it looks like. I am gonna work to finish the mill now, and then tweak the hay and the nut. If nothing else, then for my own sake.


Marque Pierre

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